I'm rooting for Dallas because of Jessica Simpson. More accurately, I'm backing the Cowboys because (a) their quarterback is banging Simpson and (b) because I'm so freaking tired of hearing about she's the NFL equivalent of Yoko Ono.I'm a lifelong Dallas Cowboys hater. It stems from early childhood. Adult influences turned me against them. Later and consciously I embraced a bit of the Raider mystique. I'm an anti-hero kind of guy. Roger "Mr. Perfect" Staubach wasn't my idea of cool. Still isn't.
Assorted other things piled up over time, intensifying my hatred of the Cowboys. Jerry Jones is a monstrous prick who represents at least 72% of the traits I'd describe as Pure Evil. Guys like Michael Irvin, Too Tall Jones, Hollywood Henderson and others rubbed me the wrong way. Barry Switzer? Jimmy Jones? Bill Parcells? Just typing those names made me a wee bit queasy.
I hate the Cowboys in principle and in practice. Until their post-season run concludes, however, I am a temporary Dallas Cowboys fan.
Strangely enough, my decision to support the 'Boys has nothing to do with the NFL's best tight end (sorry Anthony, Tony and Kellen), Jason Witten. Marion Barber and Julius Jones haven't influenced my decision. I still think T.O. is one of the all-time worst things to happen to the NFL and the stupid shadows that cover half the playing field because of the Texas Stadium roof still annoy me. I still hate the Cowboys, but I'm cheering for them anyway.
I'm rooting for Dallas because of Jessica Simpson. More accurately, I'm backing the Cowboys because (a) their quarterback is banging Simpson and (b) because I'm so freaking tired of hearing about she's the NFL equivalent of Yoko Ono.
Just in case you don't follow the NFL, here's a one-paragraph backgrounder on the Simpson/Romo situation. Romo used to date Carrie Underwood, who is apparently a country singer. They broke up. The Cowboys won many games with Romo at the helm. Then, he started dating Jessica Simpson. They didn't win by as much. Then he lost a game with her in the crowd. Idiots proclaimed Simpson a jinx. Idiot opposing fans attempted to rattle Romo with Jessica masks. Then, during a bye week, Romo took Simpson to Mexico and they partied when he could've been locked in an isolation chamber studying game film. Pundits, critics and other assorted slack-jawed goobers have interpreted this as the End of All Hope for the Cowboys.
Now, before I provide my perspective... Let me fill you in on my opinion re: Ms. Simpson. In brief, bulleted form, it goes something like this:
- I don't find her remarkably talented.
- I don't think she's particularly bright.
- I don't consider myself a fan.
- Based on what I've read, her daddy is creepy.
- I have only thought about her sister one time for maybe .25 seconds.
- I think she is incredibly freaking hot.
Oh, I know... Some weisenheimers are gonna talk about how she's not all that good looking. Such remarks are a lie. She is hot like motherfucking lava in a crockpot! She has a great body. She has a beautiful face. Jessica Simpson is sex on a platter and if you deny that fact, you are either lying or have passed into some super-human realm of ultra self-actualization where you really can sense inner beauty, read auras, etc. Those of us who tell the truth and have eyes? We want to have sex with Jessica Simpson.
So, here's Tony Romo. He's some second-tier quarterback from a second-tier college who has spent a few years backing up ancient and/or half-assed QBs. He gets a chance and does well. He screws a country crooner. He gets a huge payday. He treats himself to some Simpson.
This is wrong? Hell no. This is what he is SUPPOSED TO DO. It is the job of NFL football players to live the shallow dream. Even if you don't agree with that, I find it ridiculous to criticize a guy who gets a shot at banging Jessica Simpson for doing so. Ridiculous!But what if humping Ms. Simpson or having her attend games somehow creates some sort of whacked out cosmic vibration that makes a team lose to the Eagles? Doesn't that de-justify continued relations with Ms. Simpson?
Fuck no.
Look at her:
Even if there was a jinx, it would be worth it. But there is no jinx. There's this little thing called coincidence. There are also little concepts like the logical fallacy of hasty generalization and the difference between correlation and causality that some of the critics of sexing up Daisy Duke v. 2.0 might want to investigate.But wait... Someone is thinking, "If people believe in jinxes, streaks, etc. they become true!" Crash Davis may have told Nuke LaLoosh to "respect the streak", but the only rump up for grabs there belonged to Susan Sarandon. With all due respect to Ms. Sarandon, she's no Jessica Simpson. Baseball isn't football, either. Disrespect the streak, Tony. Keep on doing what you can with Jessica.
Still think Tony should get rid of Jess? Please take the following quiz.
Would you prefer to stick...
A. Your nose in a playbook or
B. Your _____ between Jessica Simpson's _____?
Do you like the sound of...
A. Pizza party in the tape room with the O-line or
B. Please rub this suntan lotion on Jessica Simpson's buttocks?
Would you rather watch...
A. Videotape of Eagles linemen pushing you to the ground or
B. Jessica Simpson trying on a schoolgirl outfit?
You get the idea.
Joe Namath. Broadway Joe. Drinker. Fur coat-wearer. Pool shooter. Hanging with the honeys right before the Super Bowl. He guaranteed a win and delivered. Namath had his fucking cake and he ate it, too.
Don't begrudge Tony Romo for trying to do the same. That kind of thing has a meaning that undoubtedly exceeds a fistful of championship rings. After all, think about Broadway Joe years later... After success... After retirement. Was he longing for another chance to take the field? Was he regretting the drives that fell short? Was he wishing he could toss one last touchdown pass?Hell no. He was trying to score with the sideline announcer.
Go Cowboys!
EDIT: From the Just In Time to Piss Me Off Department. Apparently, Simpson is dumb enough to believe the jinx bullshit. She's skipping the Giants/Cowboys game. Dumb, but hot. I hope Tony gets his fill before the game and goes back for plenty more after the win.
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