Sunday, January 6, 2008

Hannah Montana Fakery... Unhappiness not going down...

Hannah Montana is a fake. She's bobbed across the no-talent-created-by-Disney line into the realm of pure Milli Vanilli.

Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus...

The instant sell-out of her Kansas City show at the Sprint Center created a wave of soccer mom rage. It spurred a frenzy for tickets on the secondary markets. It created a publicity opportunity for the Missouri Attorney General and at least one ticket broker. It inspired a vomit-inducing city council meeting and protests of illegality while giving Mayor Funkhouser an opportunity to utter a comment that should one day be carved into the granite of his tombstone:

"We want the level of unhappiness to go down and the level of happiness to go up..."

The smoke has cleared. The fifty dollar t-shirts are already faded. The Jonas Brothers and Miley have left the metro. Criminal cases will be resolved. The twisted and weak parents of spoiled children with sickening senses of entitlement work hard to pay off the massive credit card debt incurred during the purchase of tickets. It's over.


Although there's no indication that a local business' ticket giveaway was fraught by fraud, the most disgusting shoppe in the world, Libby Lu, was victimized by a momma who wanted those Hannah tickets a little too much. In hopes of providing her 6 year-old with an unforgettable night of lip-synched crap music, she concocted a tale of woe. Libby Lu initially believed the lie, but rescinded the free ticket offer after discovering that the winner's not was mama-penned and that daddy didn't suffer a death from IED in Iraq.

This illustration of poor judgment and assholistic parenting has kept Hannah Montana on local minds. A miniature Hannah Montana photo scandal (Miley and friend sharing a licorice stick) appeared. Now, another controversy...

The teen pop sensation/symbol of all that is wrong in the world has a taller body double who wears sunglasses and prances about on stage as if she were really the fictional character of Hannah Montana, as portrayed by Miley Cyrus. Indisputable evidence demonstrates that the unreal Hannah character isn't even fully supported by the real girl named Miley Cyrus.

Miley-as-Hannah lip-synchs her way through at least part of the show (probably more than a little part, I'm guessing). She exits the stage and is replaced by an identically dressed place-holder with a blond wig and Elton John shades who hops around the stage to the joy of the oblivious kids in the audience. Parents who spent hundreds (if not thousands) in a foolish attempt to win affection from their brats are slapped with yet another indignity. Hannah Montana is a fake. She's bobbed across the no-talent-created-by-Disney line into the realm of pure Milli Vanilli.

Here is the damning video. To spare yourself the torture of prolonged Hannah listening/observation, try to skip ahead to around 2:15. You'll soon see Ms. Cyrus wrapped in a sheet and escorted pseudo-surreptitiously through a door. Magically, she comes prancing out of another door. She's grown sunglasses on her face, her hair shrouds her facial features and she may even grow a few inches in that split-second.

Indisputable proof of Hannah Montana fakery!

When mommy and daddy get screwed in an eBay scam while trying to snag tickets to these shows, they go after the scam artists. When soccer mommies don't like price tags on the secondary market, they cry to City Council members and politicians, demanding change (spoiling parents only like market forces when it leads to salary increases at home, you know).

What in the name of all that is Disney will these parents do now? They've been duped! They paid a fortune to see a nameless, talentless teen dance and pretend to sing when they were certain they were paying to watch a talentless teen with a recognizable name do the same!

When I stuck my head out the window this morning, I could smell rage in the air.

My guess is that the videotaped ruse was planned for costume-changing purposes. I doubt that Fake Hannah does the bulk of the show. Then again, who knows? We do know that at least a portion of the show is anything but live and that its producers are not above subterfuge!

Oh, Fake Hannah... This does not make the level of unhappiness go down and the level of happiness go up!

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  1. She need to be careful with her personal life, because she is more than an idol for to many children.I love her but, I think that she should be more careful, because that can affect her career.