This post is not about race in America. It doesn't discuss Barack Obama's speech and it doesn't detail any of the many reasons why thinking about Hillary Clinton makes me feel like I have some kind of soul cancer.
I'm off the election and I'm on to...
In three pieces.
PIECE ONE: THE COPPIN STATE EAGLES
The NCAA big dance is underway and Coppin State is part of it. The play-in participant will end the season with 21 losses. That's right, they're in the tourney with 20 in the "L" column. That is awesome in and of itself.
It's even better than that, though. They have a coach named Fang. FANG! How does it get any better than that? Seriously.
Oh, I know... They're up by a point at the half. Coppin State, led by Fang, is winning. GO EAGLES!!!!
Sad Update: After many interruptions, I finished this post. Coppin State is now trailing by 5, which is bullshit.
PIECE TWO: THE TRIFECTA
Although some may find him a bit played out, I still believe the Burger King is one of the greatest American heroes (advertising or otherwise) of all fucking time.
Malt liquor also kicks ass. I'm sure the boutique beer drinkers of the world are either laughing at the idea of enjoying ML (or are believing my comments to be ironic humor), but I have a soft spot for the likes of Colt 45 and Olde English. I'm not talking about my belly flab, either, asshole. A cold 40 is a drink like no other.
Naked women are also awesome. Cute, nubile naked women are hard to beat, folks. I'm sure that registers on a few sexism-o-meters, but I can't deny my appreciation for a firm, nude gal.
So, what could be better than a naked chick wearing a Burger King crown and holding a bottle of malt liquor? Nothing. Well, if she had a tray of nachos in the other hand, maybe... But still, Burger King + Malt Liquor + Nudity is a nearly holy trinity. Imageyenation (where uncensored versions of hotness await you) puts it similarly:
The King + Boobs + 40 ounces of malt liquor = Sexy x Infinity
PIECE THREE: J. GRANT SWANK, JR.
Sometimes, you just want to know there's someone out there who is far more stupid than you could ever be. Sometimes, it's nice to know that your exact opposite is out there, wandering around and saying the exact opposite of what you're saying. It sort of keeps the yin and yang of the world in balance, you know?
Plus, it makes finding a butt for your jokes so much easier. Enter J. Grant Swank, Jr. This crazed preacher guy apparently spends most of his non-prayer time typing barely-readable, but easily mockable, online columns that are shocking in their stupidity. We're talking jaw-droppers, kids.
J. Grant Swank, Jr., is crazy perfect. I will give you just a brief glimpse of his anti-genius to whet your appetite: Swank on Hillary Clinton. Fear not, you can find more. Just Google "Grant Swank" and the laughs will come a' plenty!
Now this is the Democratic candidate for the Presidency who condemned the Supreme Court for banning partial-birth abortion.
Further this is the theologically liberal Methodist who advertises that it is God-okay for homosexuals to engage in recreational sex or any other mode of sexual practice, even though the latter is increasing AIDS/HIV.
Liberals' mantra is "separation of church and state" except when they are politicking for public office. Then it is quite American-proper to use the Christian pulpit as their platform post. The same with Barack Obama who likewise endorses abortion and sodomy.
Thus concludes "Three Pieces of Awesome" by John Brown.
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